Technology Choices for Bad Parenting
For parents who have felt something missing from their lives ever since lawn darts were taken off the market, I present to you the new technology choices of bad parenting.
Tennis Racket Bug Zapper
Some parents feel that plain old spanking just doesn’t go far enough. That’s when you turn to the BugsEye Bug Zapper. Not only does this unassuming racket deliver a mild electric shock with every contact, but it also has numbers on the racket so you can keep score of how bad a parent you really are. They even include a scorecard. No, I’m not kidding.
BugsEye Bug Zapper
Kid Herder
I can already hear what you’re thinking: isn’t this thing just too big to be used outside of day care centers and public schools? For the truly bad parent, the answer is no. When you ask the kids to come in for dinner and they moan back “Just five more minutes mom”, it’s time to come crashing through the backyard fence in the TopTurn X Self-propelled Compost Turner and show them just how frightening five minutes of not doing what you told them can be. For added effect, be sure to mount a load speaker on the top of this and scream “OWNED!” when you see them pee their pants.
Aquapets
For the parent who feels a couple Judy Bloom books just isn’t enough in the sex education department, we have aquapets, a toy that does to a person’s sexual development what lawn darts did to their hands. What you are about to witness is something absolutely incredible. Ready? Here we go.
Seriously, look at this thing. It even has a reservoir tip. This is not photoshopped at all. This is a real shipping product. Even worse, there are a ton of different ones out there with some pretty crazy names to match. Here’s just a sampling.
Flotopus, PeeGee, Likabee, and the absolute most unfortunate name choice: Squirt.
Be sure to order your child the entire array of Aquapets to guarentee years of therapy and unhealthy relationships.
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Hey, you can laugh at the tennis racket bug zapper, but I was sitting in room full of mosquitos (in Thailand) with one of those about a month ago, and I was trying to devise a scheme for mass importing them to the US. They’re brilliant when there are bugs around. Besides, a mild electric shock can be stimulating!
I don’t think too many parents will be buying their daughters a Squirt. That article made me laugh.
Haha wow clay, I had the same idea when I went to Indonesia, but there is only a small market for them.
I love the Aquapets! I already have two of them. Stinga and the one in the picture. (don’t know it’s real name because i got it from a re-sell shop. i call it Mike.) I plan to get the other six.
Peace out Aquapets!
-shailee
Okay, why does it say, when you scroll over the AquaPet, “A very suggestive neopets toy”? It’s not a neopets toy. So why did you put that on there?
Looks like the links have expired on amazon. This was posted more than two years ago, so it’s common for links like that two expire.